An ugly obsession

It feels inappropriate – a teeny bit blasphemous to admit – but I’ve always wanted to be beautiful. It’s an admission that feels at once a little vain, narcissistic, somehow deeply unfeminist, but also… quite trivial. Of course I want to be beautiful. Everyone wants to be beautiful even if nobody really admits it. I can’t precisely define for you what I mean by beautiful, other than to say that the kind of beauty I want is aspirational, making it undefinable and unattainable. So then, what’s the point?

Surrounded by media images of beautiful women. If you ask me what I find beautiful, I’ll give you a list of messy contradictions: the fierce feminine sex appeal of Italian bombshell Monica Belucci advertising red lipstick, the authority of boss-bitch Jessica Pearson in a power suit, the soft innocence of rancher’s daughter Dolores before she embarks on her vengeful rampage, and “It Girl” Zoe Kravitz looking effortlessly cool in not much more than a chainmail bra.

Whether or not we like it, the way we choose to dress and present ourselves has cultural context and sends a message. The women in the House of Representatives knew it when they chose to wear suffragette white to Trump’s State of the Union speech. Steve Jobs (and Elizabeth Holmes) knew it with their minimalist uniform of Issey Miyake black turtlenecks. Lady Gaga knew it when she put on her meat dress or McQueen armadillo heels. Terms like “tech bro,” “girlboss,” “Wall St. banker,” and “hipster” all conjure up very specific images – a hoodie over a Google tshirt, a sheath dress and pair of pointy-toed pumps, a conservative suit and tie, a flannel shirt and a man-bun. Whether or not we like it, we often define people by the way they look.

Very deliberate and statement-making wardrobe choices.

I find that the coming and going of trends reflects cultural change in a fascinating way. Scrutiny and criticism of fashion is anthropology. Just to give a few modern examples: after the 2008 economic recession it became gaudy and tasteless to broadcast your wealth through display of bold designer logos, fueling the rise of equally expensive though much more subtle “capsule wardrobes” of “Scandinavian minimalism.” The normalization of wearing yoga pants outside the yoga studio exploded into the mainstreaming of athleisure, a perfect fit for the modern man or woman who prioritizes comfort on the go, and who doesn’t have time to change in a busy schedule that includes the gym, the office, and the grocery store. Just yesterday a friend asked me when and how wide-legged pants had become ubiquitous. Skinny jeans have been in vogue for a while now, but all trends are cyclical. Plus, there’s been a recent movement towards women dressing for personal comfort rather than for the “male gaze” (see the rise of the wireless bralette and granny panties and corresponding decline of the Victoria’s Secret aesthetic, the popularity of menocore as embodied by the shapeless sack dress, etc.).

So, this obsession with beauty. I’m tired of women’s fashion at once being dismissed as a frivolous interest and at the same time decried as a deliberate tool of sexual manipulation (of men)*. First of all, the truth is that women dress more for other women than for men. It’s a not-so-secret form of social signaling that most men manage to remain oblivious of. Secondly, women are obsessed with their appearance because, well, in our culture appearance matters. A lot. Beautiful people are seen as more desirable (duh), but also more trustworthy, competent, and are generally more highly valued in society. We even equate beauty with moral worth. Notice how in fairy tales the princess is always young and beautiful while the witch is an ugly hag? So why shouldn’t we want to or try to be more beautiful?

Everyone curates their wardrobe to curate their image. And even those who aren’t trying are kind of trying. Deliberately choosing comfort or practicality over fashion and style makes a statement as well. This is something I think about a lot as a graduate student in a STEM field. My wardrobe, physique, and presentation appear on a surface level unremarkable, hiding the fact that I am obsessed with fashion, fitness, and makeup/skincare. My work (lab) wardrobe follows a dress code of long pants, close-toed shoes, and nothing that I wouldn’t be too heartbroken over if it got a bleach stain or acid-burn hole. The dress code exists for safety reasons, as well as practicality. And while plain jeans, sneakers, and a t-shirt satisfy the dress code, I find it all a bit boring on myself (I will say that some people can wear the hell out of a basic outfit, but not me). Yet I come up against this idea that interest in fashion is superficial compared to much more “serious” interests like STEM field studies. And then that must mean that if you dress with any more care, formality, or style than the status quo or bare minimum required by your workplace that you are wasting your time/effort/money on frivolous pursuits**. We live in a society that pressures women to be beautiful, while simultaneously belittling them for caring about it. <Mumbles something about the patriarchy>.***

A sample drawing from a project that had seventh graders draw how they imagined scientists, before and after meeting actual scientists.

I know that caring about external beauty doesn’t necessarily make someone shallow. I’ve just spent multiple paragraphs outlining the ways in which thinking critically about beauty is, well, actually pretty deep. There are many complex reasons for my wanting to be seen as beautiful. Sure, part of it is attracting the opposite gender. But most of it is wanting others (of both genders) to take me seriously. Or perhaps I’d like to project that I’m clever (glasses), laid back (casual clothes), put-together (well-groomed), edgy (piercings), whatever. The craziest part of it, is that despite all my efforts to conform to a standard of conventional beauty I have no idea whether or not I’m seen as beautiful. Sure, I’ve had people tell me I’m beautiful, but is it any more than flattery when it’s coming from my mother, my best friend, or someone trying to get me naked?**** I can walk past anyone on the street and (subjectively) judge whether or not they are beautiful. But I can also stare endlessly at my own reflection in the mirror and not have a clue. The ironic truth is that I’m more comfortable now with myself (inside and out <pats self on back>) than I ever have been before, yet all those insecurities are still there.  I know that conventional beauty standards are not defined by people like myself, and I know that it’s unhealthy to be too obsessed with my appearance. I know that it’s completely toxic to compare myself to others (especially those edited and curated images that are everywhere on the internet). But none of that awareness or ability to intellectually critique unrealistic beauty standards translates to me caring and less and wanting any less to be beautiful.***

So why write this blog post at all? I’ll admit that this is the dozen-th draft of some version of this post that I’ve written, and I still don’t know if I’ve said anything of value. But I have always placed value in having those slightly uncomfortable conversations where I’m willing to come out and say (publicly, here on the internet) that I can’t be the only one going through something, and that the more discussions we have, the more we understand one another and the less alone we feel. I’m still trying to reconcile what it means to accept myself and also accept that I’ll never stop wanting to be some unattainable standard of beautiful (or smart, or likable, or successful, etc.). I get the feeling that it will be a lifelong struggle. But I still think that the discussion is worthwhile. So the next time I tell you “nice shoes,” tell me why you picked them. I’d like to talk about your shoes for a bit.

 

Footnotes:

*It also doesn’t help that there’s a huge double standard in the relationship between age and beauty/desirability between men and women. We still call George Clooney and Harrison Ford sexy, but Meryl Streep and Helen Mirren are “elegant.” Men age into sexy. Women expire out of it. So god forbid women should try to take advantage of our youth/beauty (because aren’t they really one and the same?) while we still have it.

**Another interesting observation I’ve made is that my coworkers will often browse personal things on their laptops during work breaks (it’s a pretty lax environment), but I feel a little judged for online shopping during my lunch breaks or work breaks late at night, whereas no one ever says anything about the guys blaring sports games from their computers. The boss has even walked by and stopped to chat with the guys about who’s winning the soccer match. I feel like spending time on traditionally male interests like sports is not penalized, or even more gender-neutral interests like reading the news is fine, but I get judged for browsing clothes online or reading fashion/makeup blogs with obvious feminine imagery. Or maybe it’s all in my head…

***Quoted and paraphrased Contrapoints a couple times here and there. She’s brilliant.

****This is NOT a reason to NOT pay people compliments though. Some people suck at accepting compliments, but everyone should still compliment each other more. It’s nice.

Autonomy and control

Those who know me well know that I am a big fan of writer/cartoonist Tim Kreider*. I find his work to be witty, insightful, and emotionally evocative in ways that I’ve always aspired to be. Today he penned a column for the NY Times about power, and the first paragraph made me chuckle.

The wish to have power over others is altogether alien to me; I just don’t get it, any more than I get why anyone wants to have kids or play Settlers of Catan. Even sexual fantasies based on power dynamics don’t particularly appeal to me. Why would I want to boss other people around? What would I make them do? My taxes, maybe? It just sounds awkward, and like a huge hassle. I don’t even like being waited on by people I’d rather have a beer with; I’m uncomfortable holding the meager (and mostly illusory) power of grades over my students.

Oh, hey…. That sounds like me… *raises hand*

Kreider’s column made me think about all the uncomfortable power dynamics in my own life. Like the fact that it took me 20 years (and a generous 30% tip) to decide that I was personally OK with paying a young (usually Asian or Latina immigrant) to massage my feet and apply nail varnish to my grubby toes. Or that I still need to work up my nerve and self-confidence every time I push back against and argue with my advisor when he dramatically underestimates the time and effort that a particular experiment would require. Or slowly coming to realize that the aging parents who supported (and yes, sometimes controlled) me as I was growing up now need my support and help. I could certainly write an uncomfortable introspective blog post about each one of those power dynamics – but don’t worry, I won’t.

What I found most interesting was Kreider’s discussion of what he called the “most essential freedom,”

…the most essential freedom to secure is the power to move freely within the borders of your own skull. Doing what you want is predicated on knowing what you want. The world’s most insidious power is that which infiltrates your own brain, constricting and deforming what’s permissible to think. It’s almost impossible to writhe out from under the crushing weight of cultural consensus, ideology, propaganda, conventional wisdom and the deafening chatter of other people’s opinions, to harbor your own samizdat thoughts — as Virginia Woolf describes an artist in “To the Lighthouse,” “struggling against terrific odds to maintain her courage; to say ‘But this is what I see; this is what I see,’ and so to clasp some miserable remnant of her vision to her breast, which a thousand forces did their best to pluck from her.”

I too crave and seek this freedom. However, I also whole-heartedly and openly accept that I have no idea what I want. The most I can do is to list some things I definitely don’t want.  Tim Kreider, who himself is a successful freelance writer and artist writes:

Of course freedom, as is written in the bumper sticker, is not free: I decided long ago that the greatest freedom is the freedom to command one’s own time, and to that end I’ve forfeited a regular salary, home ownership, a retirement plan and any credit rating whatsoever, as well as the cozy fetters of family.

I have also forfeited some things and am ready to forfeit more. Recently, I accepted a postdoctoral position in California, which comes with a commitment to get paid a less-than-enviable stipend and to rent a shared apartment for a few years in continuation of the nomadic academic lifestyle (a few years here, a few years there – long enough to form relationships and then abandon them). But ultimately, it’s one more step towards pursuing an academic career. Separately, but relatedly I’ve been musing over a quote from a former grad student in my lab. He was known for his quippy little sayings, one of which was “I want to be a PI because I have problems with authority.”** I understand the appeal of wanting to be the boss, so no one else can be the boss of you (ok, that’s not entirely how academia works, but sort of?).

Reading the column has also led me to reflect a bit about the ways in which I have felt compelled to act out against in defense of my own freedom. I voraciously consume the news and news analysis to arm myself against anyone who would try to cast me as wrong or ignorant or uninformed (not that I have verbal sparring partners, just the occasional patient friend who’s willing to indulge my rants). I’d rather perform a favor than ask for one (though I’m never keeping count). And even the choices I make with my body (thank you to health insurance coverage of long acting reversible contraception and also my favorite NYC piercer) feel like a big middle finger to someone (our Republican administration, or my parents’ conservative values, or just all the haters). All the ways I try to feel autonomous and in control, in a world where things often feel unreliable and out of control.

A few months ago, my brother and I had a conversation about not being truly free to pursue what we wanted for ourselves until after our parents had passed away. It was a selfish and purely hypothetical discussion in the context of a larger gripe about family responsibilities. My brother said he might quit his corporate engineering job to run for political office. After a brief moment of thought I replied that actually I would keep doing exactly what I’ve been doing. So I patted myself on the back and thought, it might not often feel like it but maybe I’m doing OK, and I’m a little freer than I thought.

 

*I guarantee that at least a few of you reading this blog post have been sent links or screenshots of his writing, if not been gifted or lent a copy of one of his books by me.

**One Halloween, we got a bunch of people in the lab to wear his quotes, termed “Stevens-isms” on white t-shirts, and we took a group photo together.

Eva’s goals for self-improvement in 2019

Some people might call them New Years resolutions. But I’ve never been one for New Years resolutions. I find the idea of resolutions to be rigid and oppressive. There’s the implication that if you take one wrong step that your resolution is ruined, you have failed, and you should just quit. Maybe you accidentally managed to gain instead of lose a few pounds in January – may as well give up on trying to eat healthier the rest of the year and try again next year. Did you learn that your veggie fried rice was actually made with chicken broth? Game over, may as well scrap vegetarianism and become a carnivore. Only read gossip blogs this month? Time to return Infinite Jest to its 2018 role as a doorstop. This is then followed by emotionally beating yourself up for having failed, and you are certainly no better off than when you started.

In the latest episode of Pod Save America, Erin Ryan of Crooked Media argues that she prefers to think of intentions as an alternative to resolutions. If you don’t achieve a resolution, you fail it. However, intentions you can sustain. The why is just as important as the what. So my resolution for 2019 is more of an intention. In 2019, I intend to be more conscientious.

If being conscientious seems like a broad and ambiguous goal, that’s because I actually mean for it to encompass two separate, more specific goals. My first intention is to be a more conscientious consumer, which means buying less and buying differently. Buying less is partly a matter of practicality. I expect to be moving (possibly across the country) in about six months, and it would benefit me to accumulate less stuff that I will need to pack up and transport. Saving money would also be nice. But buying differently is also important for me.

In 2018, I tried to shop more ethically. I enjoy buying clothes, and the temptation to buy more has only increased with the accessibility of online shopping. However, in the past year, I’ve tried to steer away from buying fast fashion (H&M, Forever 21, but also big box brands in general) because these brands are known to have questionable practices concerning the environment and labor ethics. While I understand the allure of owning new things and buying trendy, disposable items, I now find it hard to justify. Especially when there are so many brands that emphasize ethical consumption. I’ve slowly transitioned to mostly buying to replace items when they become shabby or unwearable, and making sure that the replacements are better quality and either second-hand or from brands that used recycled fabric or pay their workers a fair wage. I like the idea of buy-it-for-life, and items that can be repaired before they need to be replaced.

While clothes/shoes/accessories probably make up the bulk of my non-essential purchases, I’d like to apply the same general guidelines to purchases of electronics (I definitely don’t need a GPS watch even though they’re cool), cosmetics (no one needs 15 colors of nail polish), kitchen appliances (I’d love to own a Kitchen-Aid…. someday), and hobby items (I’m looking at you, unused yoga mat and climbing gear). My exception is books. While I have been reading more on my Kindle, I love reading from a physical book.

My second goal is to be more conscientious of my role in my personal relationships. More than five years after graduating from college and leaving my hometown, I’ve learned the lesson that good personal chemistry and shared history are not enough to sustain a relationship, especially when distance is involved. I had close friends from childhood and college who I have all but lost contact with. While it has taken great geographical distance for me to realize that some relationships were only strong because of shared circumstances, and that it’s ok to let those friendships fade, others wither due to lack of attention. With some people, all it takes to maintain a connection is catching up over beers when we’re in the same town, and we can pick up as if time hasn’t passed at all. With others, it can take more work – scheduling a regular exchange of texts, emails, calls, and video chats on a monthly or even weekly basis. Remembering birthdays and important details about friends, co-workers, and family members. Sometimes it’s beyond my control, and someone gets too busy, or loses interest, or their priorities shift, but other times it’s my fault. I failed to answer one too many texts. Or I initially waited too long to reply, and now it definitely feels like it’s been too long and I don’t want to seem awkward. Or I’m avoiding the possibility of getting ignored or rejected. But in many instances, I’ve watched valued friendships fade knowing I could have reached out and done more. And this makes me sad.

But even with my more geographically immediate relationships, the people who I get to see and spend time with on a more regular basis, I think it will help to be more conscientious. To ask myself whether I’ve been neglectful, and if I’m ever taking my friends for granted. It seems obvious when stated aloud, but I’d like to occasionally remind myself that relationships take work, and like many things in life, that you can only get out as much as you put in.

Both of these intentions that I’ve just shared are more abstract, and in that sense lack the concrete accountability many people want from their New Years resolutions, but they also leave room for both growth and mistakes which I think is maybe more important. Here’s to the never-ending quest for self-improvement and a better 2019!

Eva’s 2018 year end list of favorites

Favorite read:
East of Eden by John Steinbeck
Among the 17(!) books I managed to read this year, many were notable but the standout was East of Eden. I picked this up at my brother’s suggestion (he usually reads non-fiction, so when he couldn’t stop raving about this novel he was reading, I figured I’d give it a try as well), and then for the next two months I went around telling people how life-changing it was. Read this if you value compelling characters as much as a compelling narrative. If it brings you joy and satisfaction when an author manages to recreate the nuances and complexities of human relationships. Even if you read it in high school (or perhaps especially if you only remember it as part of a high school English curriculum), give it another try now.

Honorable mention(s):
We Learn Nothing by Tim Kreider – Loved this. Witty and hilarious; cannot recommend enough
Our Town by Thornton Wilder
Killing Commendatore by Haruki Murakami – The only book on this list actually published in 2018

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Favorite album:
By The Way I Forgive You by Brandi Carlile
This was the year I really discovered, and promptly fell in love with Brandi Carlile. This is going to sound pretentious as fuck, but I’ve have a hard time enjoying much of modern folk/pop/rock music because it’s either too bare bones (like the kind of raw, sad-girl indie pop my brother likes – sorry, Larry) or way overproduced (autotuned to death, or 3-minute made-for-radio earworms). Brandi Carlile falls in the perfect sweet spot. She and the twins have so much musical talent and couple that with raw emotion and killer stage presence. My favorite songs on the album are Most of All and Every Time I Hear That Song. Even Barack Obama put the latter song on his year-end list.

Honorable mention(s):
Encore by Anderson East – Also featured on Obama’s list
Be the Cowboy by Mitski
LA DIVINE by Cold War Kids
*Bonus: Spotify playlist with many of my 2018 faves

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Favorite podcast:
The Ezra Klein Show (Vox Media)
It recently blew my mind to learn that Ezra Klein is only 34. I like his podcast because not only is he clearly smart and well-read, but he’s also an incredibly good moderator. In an era where it’s easy to cherrypick the content you consume and limit yourself to either the hottest and most controversial topics or familiar interests, I recently found myself unexpectedly enthralled by an 80-minute interview with Congresswoman-elect Katie Porter (who I had never heard of) about bankruptcy (something I typically consider a dry topic). Klein does a great job picking guests and leading them in great, insightful, expository conversation.

Honorable mention(s):
Hidden Brain (NPR)
The Daily (NY Times) – How I start off every morning
Radiolab (WNYC studios) – Specifically the “In the No” series

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Favorite movie:
Won’t You Be My Neighbor?
I did not expect my favorite film of the year to be a documentary about Mr. Rogers. In fact, I didn’t even really grow up with Mr. Rogers. I knew who he was and had a general respect for and nostalgic fondness towards his show, but that was about it. Yet I found the film extremely moving. It was an endearing and intimate look at the life of a man who devoted his life to doing good, and a loving tribute to his legacy. If you’re a crier during movies, bring tissues.

Honorable mention(s):
Blackkklansman – Holy shit, what an emotional roller coaster
Beautiful Boy – Possibly biased due to my love for Timmy Chalamet and Steve Carrell

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Favorite article/longform writing:
Bruno Latour, the Post-Truth Philosopher, Mounts a Defense of Science by Ava Kofman (NY Times Magazine)
Scientists can sometimes be awfully self-righteous about the inherent immutability and truth of scientific discoveries, yet Latour has spent his life arguing that scientific “facts” are only as valid as the institutions and practices that produce them. An interesting profile of an interesting man that contextualizes his life’s work in the fight against climate change today.

Honorable mention:
Go Ahead, Millenials, Destroy Us by Tim Kreider (NY Times Opinion) – If you can look beyond the clickbait-y title, this was the article that turned me onto Tim Kreider.
Also, any of Ronan Farrow’s reporting for The New Yorker on Harvey Weinstein and the greater #metoo movement. Thank you Ronan, for doing what you do.

Sorry for yelling, but now it’s personal

The past two years have radicalized me in a way that I couldn’t have predicted. 

Growing up in Ithaca, I considered myself to be “moderately liberal” within my community, but since leaving home and moving to Princeton I’ve learned that a “moderately liberal” Ithacan in any other context is a “bleeding-heart, SJW, radical feminist, commie liberal.” While my views on many issues fall more left-of-center than most of my new peers, we were largely able to harmoniously coexist knowing we were generally on the same side.

But in the last few years, beginning with the brutal 2016 campaign and election season (that really began in 2015), we’ve suffered through crisis after crisis, injustice after indignity, and it’s driven me off the deep end. President Trump and his Cabinet. Flint, Michigan. The border wall.  The shortcomings of the #metoo movement. The Muslim ban. Mass shootings. Police shootings. The surge of populist right-wing candidates abroad. DACA. The Muller investigation. The crumbling of the Paris climate agreement. Anti-vaxxers. Stacking federal courts with conservative justices. Charlottesville. Milo Yiannopoulos getting invited to speak on college campuses. Jamal Khashoggi. And that’s just scratching the surface.

Gradually, I’ve become more angry and more stubborn. I am now more willing to engage in arguments and am more aggressive when I do. Whereas I once may have preferred to cite theories and statistics, I am now no longer above exploiting my own experiences to guilt my peers into listening and taking me seriously. I will look you in the eye as I recount my own personal stories of having felt cheated or violated, disregarded or dismissed. I make it personal. And then when others disagree with me, they aren’t simply offering a different perspective, it becomes as if they’re attacking the validity of my emotions and experiences. Philosophical disagreements become personal affronts once I can no longer disentangle my personal emotions from the rational arguments.

In doing this, sometimes I can feel that I am alienating myself from others. I never set out to play “oppression olympics,” yet it often goes in that direction. When I contextualize myself as a representative minority, woman, LGBTQ ally, marginalized scientist, or misrepresented capital-L Liberal, it becomes an us-versus-them, with my verbal sparring partner necessarily being absorbed into the “other.” They are no longer the friend, co-worker, or stranger with whom I disagree, they become oppressor, the wrong-doer.

And then I wonder, am I taking this too far? Am I playing dirty? Employing cheap tactics to force someone to listen, but for the wrong reasons? Am I pushing back too hard against those that are already on my side? But the more I care about someone, the more I want – no, need – them to agree with me. I want to pull them into my (ok, maybe sometimes a little self-righteous) light. Don’t we as individuals have a responsibility to engage with those around us?

I’ve watched many of my peers choose to unplug and turn away from politics and current events. If it doesn’t directly affect them, they prefer not to think about it. Yet I’ve had the opposite reaction. I get frustrated when I find myself in the position of trying to convince yet another person that yes, this thing is a big deal. Maybe I care too much, and this has resulted in my failure to connect with others on issues when there is an imbalance in emotional investment. But I also refuse to believe that these issues aren’t important and merit having more than a purely intellectual stance.

I have a difficult time
balancing letting people
be who they are
and standing up for
what I believe

– Christopher Poindexter

*Note/afterthought: I don’t presume that my ideas have much reach beyond those in my social or professional sphere – the people with whom I actively engage on a regular basis. Sometimes at the end of a particularly passionate tirade, I will get asked if I’d ever go into politics, and I always say no. Not because I don’t think I could do good given the power to influence policies, but because I know I don’t have it in me to be a charismatic leader. I communicate best when sitting at the bar with a friend, or in a long blog post that I take hours or days to pensively write and revise. I am uncomfortable addressing crowds, or even medium-sized groups. Although I’d really like to have more government representatives like me, just… not me.

Filthy radical, difficult, impossible forgiveness

I’ve been listening a lot to Brandi Carlile’s most recent album, By The Way, I Forgive You. It’s a raw, acoustic, melting pot of country, pop, and Americana sound with some beautiful tracks containing personal stories about her daughter and her parents. In a live radio performance in March, she played four songs interspersed with discussion about the new album. At one point the host asks her about the title of her album and the theme of forgiveness. In her response, Carlile describes forgiveness as a “not a word to be taken lightly,” but rather a “filthy radical, difficult, impossible thing to do” and shares the story of a minister who refused to baptize her when she was 15 because she was an outwardly gay teenager. She addressed the incident in an open letter to the minister, published before the album’s release, that explained that despite what happened she still loved him and never lost her faith.

To forgive is to let go of anger and resentment that we hold towards someone who has wronged us. We are taught that forgiveness is a virtue and that it frees us. The Bible preaches forgiveness of others as a way to ensure God’s forgiveness. Step 8 of the 12-step addiction recovery process asks you to reach out and seek forgiveness from those you have harmed. Forgiveness is supposed to help us grow and move on. It may be difficult, but to forgive makes us good people. Right?

When I think about the people in my life who I would like to forgive, the first person who comes to mind is my mother. I won’t go into my accumulated lifetime of grievances here, but I feel like this blog has practically become an outlet to vent about my parents and upbringing (ugh, sorry), so if you want context just read some of my recent posts. I think that I’ve turned out generally ok, but sometimes I feel that it’s despite my parents, rather than because of them. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more sympathetic towards and understanding of the (largely good) intentions that fueled my mother’s (sometimes misguided) actions. I can understand why she did much of what she did. Though I still don’t agree with many of her choices, I am at the very least able to make excuses for her (she was a product of her upbringing, a product of the times, a product of her culture, etc.). Knowing these things, I want to forgive her, but I don’t know if I can.

“Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.” – Oscar Wilde

Perhaps I find forgiveness difficult because my mother probably doesn’t feel as if she need to be forgiven by me. Even having gone through what she has and knowing what she knows now, she probably stands by her choices and would scoff at the idea that there is anything to forgive. And because of this, perhaps what truly makes it hard to forgive her is that she seems unwilling to change and completely absent of remorse**. And as a result, I believe she will continue to hurt me in many of the same ways. I spent some time with her and my brother this weekend, and in the span of 24 hours, she managed to criticize my weight and eating habits, she was rude to multiple waiters and excessively critical of our food, and managed to make false and disparaging remarks about a gay friend of my brother.

My weekend wasn’t entirely miserable and I do love my mother, though perhaps some of the conflict arises from the fact that we hold those we love to higher standards. We want the people we love to be good, perhaps even better than ourselves. I remember returning home for Thanksgiving in 2016, just weeks after the election, and running into some old high school classmates at a bar. We bemoaned not just the results of the recent election, but having to sit at the dinner table and make nice with our conservative, Trump-supporting relatives. To maintain civility would be a tremendous exercise in patience and restraint, we agreed.

I’m not asking for a 67-year old immigrant to adopt all of my liberal and progressive views. But it would be nice if we could dine out just once where my brother and I didn’t have to apologize to the waiters and leave an extra-large tip to compensate for my mother’s rudeness that verges on harassment. I don’t need her to jump on the body positivity train, but there’s a difference between showing concern and being condescending and critical; it would be nice if she considered the influence of a mother’s criticism on a daughter’s self-confidence. If forgiveness requires letting go of wrongs, then I’m clearly not there yet and don’t know if I’ll ever get there. I know that much of my mother’s happiness hinges upon hearing from me and my brother and knowing that we are doing well. So sometimes it makes me feel guilty to be so upset with her. Is it wrong or selfish of me to continue to hold this grudge? Will I regret it if I am never fully able to forgive her?

By the way, I forgive you
After all, maybe I should thank you
For giving me what I’ve found
‘Cause without you around
I’ve been doing just fine
Except for any time I hear that song

– Every Time I Hear That Song, Brandi Carlile

**Completely unrelated to my mother. But I believe that absence of remorse is huge obstacle to forgiveness. I’ve been thinking a lot about this in the lens of the #metoo movement, and the many men who were knocked down from their positions of power but are now seeking to make a comeback (Louis C.K., Matt Lauer, Mario Batali, Bill O’Reilly, etc.). I generally believe that people who make mistakes – especially isolated mistakes, which are different from an established pattern of behavior – deserve a second chance, but only if they express regret or remorse for their actions. Those men (and women) who haven’t learned from their mistakes, if they think their only mistake was getting caught, or still deny allegations that were proven to be true, do not deserve sympathy and forgiveness. They are not to be trusted and do not deserve a second chance because that chance will likely be squandered, and once returned to positions of power and influence they will only hurt others again.

Thank you to all the extroverts who have ever adopted me

Growing up, I was a shy kid. Not entirely avoidant or especially socially inept, but more… timid and reserved (why isn’t there a good antonym for outgoing?). If anything, from carefully observing the interactions of my peers, I figured out how to make myself comfortably invisible, agreeably nodding and smiling from the periphery of the circle, contributing just enough to the social atmosphere for my friends to want to keep me around (at least some of the time).

It wasn’t until I was in late high school that labels “introvert” and “extrovert” came into vogue. The self-identification was immediate, and I was able to point to many of my behaviors as being characteristic of an introvert. I get uncomfortable when left alone at large parties. I use the self-checkout line when shopping even if there’s an empty cashier lane. I exit from the middle exit of the bus to avoid saying bye to the bus driver. Even now, I’ll hit the door close button after stepping into the elevator, hoping no one else gets in. When my younger brother started high school I was a junior, and walking through the halls it was impossible not to run into another one of his friends (he seemed to know everyone) who would call me “Larry’s sister.” As far as I know, even to my friends he was Larry, never “Eva’s brother.”

At a time when most students had to build their social circles from scratch, starting college in my hometown allowed me to cling to my high school friends (it also helped that ~10% of my high school graduating class ended up at Cornell). At the start of freshman year, I remember waiting until the sun went down at 8:30pm to eat dinner with a friend who was observing Ramadan. I didn’t mind eating that late, especially since he seemed happy enough to have me as company, but it also allowed me to avoid having to sit among strangers, however friendly they were, and go through another cycle of scripted freshman introductions (Where are you from? What’s your major? Which dorm do you live in?). For the first few months of college, I mostly made new friends through old friends, tagging along to meals and parties. I got used to being the lone science major eating lunch with a group of econ and CAPS majors, or the stray non-athlete at a tae-kwon-do team party because I was friends with someone in the group.

It wasn’t really until my junior year that I made friends entirely on my own (not friends-of-friends or hallmates I fortuitously liked which I consider cheating), and only because it was impossible to survive Quantum Mechanics and Analytical Chemistry lab working on problem sets and lab reports alone. It was at this point that I met someone who was to become one of my best friends; he was a guy in my major who was outgoing to almost an extreme. My thoughts upon meeting him went something like, “Who the hell is that loud kid in the corner who seems to know everyone? Why is he talking to me? Oh wait, he’s offering to help me debug my Mathematica code. Huh, he’s actually pretty cool.” It wasn’t long until I was chasing him through the chemistry building at 11pm as our study break suddenly pivoted from an existential life discussion to a decision to bother our night-owl faculty advisor and ask him for life advice (previously I had always thought of professors as these inaccessible entities who were always too busy with important things to talk to undergrads – I still largely believe this, but clearly my friend didn’t). I looked on in bewildered amusement as during a lull in lab periods he would snatch our grad student TA’s phone and text himself so that he’d later have their phone number in case they wanted to hang out. While I can’t say for sure how much befriending an extrovert rubbed off on me, I’m extremely grateful for not just his friendship, but how he made accessible to me relationships with some people I never would have approached on my own.

This made leaving Cornell and starting grad school all the more difficult. My first year of grad school, I had a pretty rough time and will confess to at least a few late-night texts sent to college friends that read something like, “Ugh, I hate everyone here, and I really miss you” (This is not entirely true. I didn’t hate everyone, but I did really really miss my college friends). Again my saving grace was an extrovert who adopted me, a rotation student in my lab who invited me to a Halloween party. I had enough drinks to loosen up a bit and apparently made a good enough impression that she kept inviting me to things (pro life tip: alcohol can be a very effective strategy for those introverts who need to temporarily be extroverts). And it’s largely because of her that most of my closest grad school friends now are not in my department (Chemistry) but hers (Mol Bio).

So thank you to all those friends who have let me use them as a social crutch – there are many, many of you and only a few have been mentioned in this blog post. And especially thank you to those extroverts in my life who have adopted me and invited me into experiences and interactions far outside my comfort zone.

On being ABC (part 2/2): The past and future of Asian “Tiger Parenting”

ABC: American-born Chinese. A term widely used to refer to American citizens of Chinese descent, excluding first-generation immigrants. 

Thanks to Amy Chua, the Tiger Parent has become a cultural trope discussed to death, yet only more recently have I seen attention being paid to what the next generation is doing. Are the sons and daughters of tiger parents choosing to tiger parent their own children? And what happens when they don’t?

These thoughts crossed my mind as I read a recent NY Times opinion piece titled “The Last of the Tiger Parents,” written by Ryan Park (described as a lawyer and father of two).

… like many second-generation immigrant overachievers, I’ve spent decades struggling with the paradox of my upbringing. Were the same childhood experiences that long evoked my resentment also responsible for my academic and professional achievements? And if so, was the trade-off between happiness and success worth it?

In cultural discussion of what motivates tiger parenting, you’ll encounter the idea of academic achievement as a driver of “normative success,” and the idea of faith in a meritocratic society. Here, I think it’s worth defining what I mean by normative success. Often you’ll hear the joke that there are only two parent-approved professions for the children of tiger parents: doctor and lawyer (my parents definitely wanted me to be a doctor, – sorry mom). Both tick all the boxes: culturally respectable, high salaried, job stability, performs a service for humanity.  Other tenets of normative success include an appropriate and happy marriage, the material comforts of a middle class lifestyle (such as home ownership), and having a few smart, well-behaved kids.

It’s easy to understand why someone, tiger parent or otherwise, would value normative success, but I think specifically for people like my parents – Chinese immigrants of their generation –  there’s more to it.

I find my thoughts unavoidably circling back to a story from my father’s upbringing. My father was a teenager during Mao’s Cultural Revolution. In mid 1960’s China, schools and universities were shuttered and tens of thousands of teachers and academics were persecuted in a massive purge of the educational system. Yet during those years of political and cultural turmoil and instability, my father taught himself an entire college curriculum and tested into the graduate program at Fudan University as soon as it reopened. “I only got one question wrong on my entrance exam,” he would tell me and my brother. I don’t know much about my paternal grandparents, but from how my father would tell this story, and what I observed of him, he was fiercely self-driven. And his self-made academic success was what allowed him to start his life as a postdoc at an Ivy League university in the US. My father never shared many stories about his life, so his occasional retelling of this one was very revealing about what he viewed as success and how he believed it could be achieved. And clearly, he was motivated to pass on these values to his children.

My mother’s story of growing up around the same time is perhaps even more brutal and even more telling. Both of her parents were not only teachers, but had supported the wrong political side before the Cultural Revolution. After Mao’s rise to power, my mother’s entire family was uprooted and deported from Shanghai to perform manual labor in the countryside. It was many years before she was able to rebuild her life, return to school, and eventually immigrate to the US to be with my father.

While these thoughts have long been swirling around in my head, until recently I lacked the word(s) to properly express them. In a conversation with a friend (also a child of Chinese immigrants) that was sparked by the above quoted NY Times piece, he described how he was struggling to help his parents understand why he didn’t prioritize the same normative success that they wanted for him, and why he was willing to take certain risks that he believed would enrich his life in ways that were more abstract, and therefore more difficult for them to accept.

It wasn’t that he didn’t understand why his parents valued what they did. They lived their lives in the mindset of scarcity. Scarcity – that was the word I had been missing. Our parents were immigrants who had left their families and homes to seek greater opportunities for themselves and their children in the US. They did not always have job security or financial security, they had to work – and work hard – to earn these things. To them, no longer having to strive, the ability to live in comfort, was the ultimate success.

But I have never lived in such scarcity. So while I understand where my parents are coming from, my own (comparatively cushy and privileged) upbringing has led me to cultivate different values and different priorities in life. I will not downplay my own desire for some version of normative success  – certainly I’ve spoken about my own career ambitions –  but I have other goals by which I measure my success. I find rewarding my endeavors to cultivate deep and meaningful relationships with others. I harbor a desire to spread love, and tolerance, and progressive values. And I find purpose in using my talents to give back and make the world a better place in some way.

And I believe that many second-generation ABC’s feel similarly. We have seen and lived the payoff of discipline and enforced academic rigor, but have also observed the value of an environment of love and emotional support (often in jealous observation of the upbringing of our more American peers).

To return to Ryan Park’s column,

The childhood I devise for my two young daughters will look nothing like mine. They will feel valued and supported. They will know home as a place of joy and fun. They will never wonder whether their father’s love is conditioned on an unblemished report card.

I’ve assumed this means my daughters might someday bring home grades or make life choices that my father would have regarded as failures. If so, I embrace the decline.

I will resist conjecturing too much about how I may raise my very hypothetical, unborn/unconceived children, but I cannot imagine that it will be as my parents raised me. Perhaps this arises from a place of privilege – after all, my own upbringing has positioned me to achieve some degree of normative success. As my brother said, we (he and I) would have to fuck up pretty badly to ever find ourselves broke and homeless. We’ve cultivated good habits, have a strong educational foundation and practical training, and a family that is not only able but willing to support us through the ups and downs of life. But these things were achieved not entirely without cost. Growing up, I was less understanding of, and much less sympathetic to, the iron fist with which my parents ruled our household. As a result, I bear emotional scars from my adolescence and teenage years, and perhaps have missed valuable opportunities to explore and to fail and learn from my failures – opportunities that were taken away by the strong and directioned guiding hand of my parents. I now recognize that my parents acted out of love and the best of intentions, but I’d like to believe that each generation learns from the mistakes (and successes) of those that come before them. I hope that if I am ever to become a parent, I would have the courage to meld my own values with that of my  parents and follow Mr. Park in “embracing the decline.”

Read On Being ABC (part 1/2) here.

On being ABC (part 1/2): It’s called “internalized racism”

ABC: American-born Chinese. A term widely used to refer to American citizens of Chinese descent, excluding first-generation immigrants. 

I was in middle school when I first realized that the popular kids were mostly white, and that these social groups seemed to have a quota of at most one or two “token Asians.” Growing up, I had two separate groups of friends. One group was entirely Chinese, and we were brought together by our parents’ friendship. We bonded over the many hours spent together during multi-family weekend parties featuring long nights of food and card games, and our parents’ favorite topic of conversation: us. We learned to look appropriately modest or ashamed as we were alternately praised for good grades or scolded for disappointing SAT scores in snappy Chinese that was always a few decibels above the indoor voices we had been taught to use in school. After heaping platefuls of rice and stir fry, the kids would crowd around a TV in someone’s basement to play hours of Super Smash Bros, or run around and play aggressive games of tag or capture the flag.  Separate from my Chinese friends were my school friends – the people I first would have named as my friends – mostly white with the occasional other Chinese girl or Indian guy. We were generally good students (though not obsessed with grades), with a smattering of musical and athletic talent, who listened to the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and hung out at the mall. We skipped class to go to Gimme! Coffee, and gossiped about crushes – average American teenager stuff.

Despite my attempts at social integration, I never felt like I entirely fit in with my school friends. I observed enviously my friends’ easygoing relationships with their parents, marveling at their jokes and casual banter. In contrast, I would correct my mother’s broken English and ask why we couldn’t order pizza for dinner.  I fumed at my parents’ overprotectiveness and rejected their lack of acceptable reasons why I couldn’t go to sleepovers or school dances. Maybe people would think I was less of a nerd if they didn’t make me skip two years ahead in math and play the violin. Did they even want me to have friends?

Since graduating high school, I’ve spent the last decade in elite academic institutions that pride themselves on their diversity, yet have become the recent focus of a national debate about “reverse racism” and discrimination against Asian Americans in the admission process. In college, I had my first exposure to cliques of “fobby” (fresh-off-the-boat) Asians. With their distinctive clothes and haircuts, and their animated chatter in their mother tongues, they were hard to miss – eating sushi at the dining hall, smoking cigarettes outside the libraries, handing out sticks of Pocky to recruit new students to cultural clubs. My first instinct was to distance myself for fear of being perceived as one of them. I hoped that by evading them, I would evade their stereotypes. I knew that from my appearance, people would already make assumptions about me, and I didn’t want to be seen as even more of an outsider. No, I’m not from China. I was actually born right here, in Ithaca. I wanted to say, “Can’t you tell from my Birkenstocks and my lack of accent? I’m just as American as you.” It wasn’t so much that I thought myself better than the recent immigrants and foreign transplants. I just assumed that we wouldn’t have much in common and that I wouldn’t connect to them. I felt that I had much more in common with my white, American peers and was eager to fit in with them.

To quote Wesley Yang’s fantastic 2011 piece in New York Magazine:

Here is what I sometimes suspect my face signifies to other Americans: an invisible person, barely distinguishable from a mass of faces that resemble it. A conspicuous person standing apart from the crowd and yet devoid of any individuality. An icon of so much that the culture pretends to honor but that it in fact patronizes and exploits. Not just people “who are good at math” and play the violin, but a mass of stifled, repressed, abused, conformist quasi-robots who simply do not matter, socially or culturally.

I’ve always been of two minds about this sequence of stereotypes. On the one hand, it offends me greatly that anyone would think to apply them to me, or to anyone else, simply on the basis of facial characteristics. On the other hand, it also seems to me that there are a lot of Asian people to whom they apply.

I understand why stereotypes occur, but there’s something more sinister about applying stereotypes to your own ethnic group and using them as justification for social segregation.

But one of the great things about college is that it brings people together, not only to learn with each other, but also about each other. Through assigned lab partners and peer-editing of narrative essays I realized that the fobby Asians frequently defied the stereotypes I held and weren’t any more homogeneous than the European students, or the Americans I grew up with. A few years ago, my brother completed a Masters program where the student body was heavily international, and he told me he came to a similar realization that just because it’s not easy to communicate with someone, it doesn’t mean that you can write them off as not having a personality or that you can assume they embody the stereotypes of their ethnic groups. Many foreigners socially clustered, not because they always chose to associate with their own, but because it was difficult for them to penetrate any other social circle (no thanks to people like me…).

I learned that, as progressive as I liked to consider myself, I was not free from bias. And I learned that the term that described the self-loathing for and rejection of my own heritage was “internalized racism.” The idea that I had subconsciously accepted society’s negative stereotypes of my own ethnic group and associated feelings of inferiority as being part of that group. And the subconscious part is important. I would have scoffed had someone pointed out that I thought Asians were inferior to any other race, nor would I have blatantly admitted my bias towards seeking white friends. These were never things that I said aloud. They were ideals that subtly permeated my mind, but powerfully directed my decisions. I have only too-recently realized just how deeply ingrained these ideas were, as I slowly grew out of them. I’m fortunate that in growing up, I have learned to become more comfortable with who I am (though I probably still have much growing to do!). A large part of it is not feeling as much pressure to “fit in” as when I was a lonely kid or angsty teen. Another part is just growing up and realizing that the loudest person standing in the biggest group in the room isn’t always the one saying the most valuable things.

It also helps that aspects of Asian culture that were once rejected (remember the cafeteria scene from the trailer of Fresh of the Boat?) are now more culturally accepted or valued. Asian foods such as dim-sum and pho or ramen are now hip. Public schools offer Mandarin alongside Spanish, French, and German. Korean beauty brands fill shelves at Sephora. It took me way too long to realize the value of my heritage. I regret that I wasn’t more diligent in trying to learn Chinese. I regret that the Chinese dishes I try to make are bland in comparison to my mother’s. That when I catch a cold, I call her to ask her what medicine to take because even though I could never read the labels, the powders and pills she gave me always seemed to make me feel better. Now, when I bring my friends to meet my mom, they always comment on how warm and welcoming she is, and not on her Chinglish (or they find it funny and charming).

I’m trying to get better, but I’ll also be the first to admit that there are times and circumstances under which I still struggle. I struggle with how Asian Americans fit into our national conversation about issues of race and oppression (this entirely merits a discussion of its own), and I’m sometimes conflicted when it comes to dating. My brother and I recently had a conversation about dating while Asian (someone should write a sitcom?). After acknowledging that Asian men (and black women) were most often socially penalized while dating, I complained about the prevalence of white men with Asian wives in academia, and how I didn’t want to be lumped with with the other Asian significant others. And I definitely didn’t want to be seen as the fetishized romantic interest of a guy with “yellow fever.” I am terrified of being perceived as a pretty, docile, submissive, exotic counterpart who worships white men. I wonder if white men who are culturally aware ever hesitate to get romantically involved with me for fear of similar perceptions, and whether this ever leads to missed connections.

Sometimes people are surprised when I tell them I’ve never been romantically involved with an Asian guy, though I explain it’s not for lack of trying or interest on my part. I can list off my explanations (excuses?). There are simply more non-Asian guys around, I connect more easily with those who have Westernized cultural values, I’m pursued less often by Asian guys, and more Westernized or “white-washed” Asian guys tend to be attracted to white girls. My brother agreed, arguing that it bothered him that attraction isn’t entirely innate, and was to some degree culturally learned. That everything from Hollywood to his peers enforced norms of attraction that were not favorable to Asians. We briefly mused about our future challenges if(for me)/when(for him) we were to have families of our own.

When I look inward, I believe that I have taken strides towards a more healthy acceptance of my identity as an Asian-American. I am able to reflect more deeply upon my cultural biases to understand how they have informed, and continue to inform, my behavior. And lastly, I have been trying to engage others – Asian-American and otherwise – in this conversation because cultural change does not happen single-handedly, but only when we share and listen to each other.

Read On Being ABC (part 2/2) here.

**In this blog post, I’ve linked multiple times to Wong Fu Production’s amazing new miniseries, Yappie. There are five ~20 minute episodes, and I would highly recommend checking them out. Episode 4 is my favorite. LINK TO THE TRAILER HERE.

#metoo

“I wish women didn’t have to rip our pasts open and show you everything and let you ogle our pain for you to believe us.” — Lindy West

My mother has always believed that one of the worst things that can happen to a girl/woman is to be sexually violated by a man. From a young age, I shared a bed with my grandmother who lived with my family. She returned to China when I was around age 7, and I had my own bedroom for the very first time. My mother taught me always to sleep with my door closed, and with a chair propped against the door. This was so that no bad men could hurt me, she explained. But there were no bad men in the house, just my father and brother, I protested. Do it anyways, she told me.

Growing up, I was never allowed to attend a single sleepover or school dance. My mother lectured that even if there were no boys at the sleepovers, my friends might have brothers or fathers, and it just “wasn’t safe” for me. I was never given an explanation for why I couldn’t attend school dances. And funny enough, none of these rules applied to my younger brother. Especially as a teenager I was very bitter about this double standard and what I saw as a grossly overprotective way of protecting my chastity (which had deep implied ties to my value as a woman), but I knew that arguing was futile.

Despite (or maybe because of) my mother’s misguided attempts to protect my virtue, I’ve always strived to be a sex-positive person able to have healthy relationships – both sexual and otherwise – with others. Yet I can also say – me too.

It’s taken me a while to jump on the bandwagon, as I’ve read and agreed with some arguments about why the #metoo movement is futile, or can even be negative in pressuring women to share traumatic experiences (see Lindy West quote above). Yet over the past few days I’ve been so proud of my friends and acquaintances (but also of complete strangers in Hollywood and beyond!), and their bravery in sharing their stories that they believe can be a positive force to bring about – at the very least – greater understanding, at the most optimistic, some change.

I’ve also hesitated joining in for a reason that Roxane Gay put much better than I could in her recent NYT Op-Ed:

“And then there are the ways that women diminish their experiences as “not that bad.” Because it was just a cat call. It was just a man grabbing me. It was just a man shoving me up against a wall. It was just a man raping me. He didn’t have a weapon. He stopped following me after 10 blocks. He didn’t leave many bruises. He didn’t kill me, therefore it is not that bad. Nothing I deal with in this country compares with what women in other parts of the world deal with. We offer up this refrain over and over because that is what we need to tell ourselves, because if we were to face how bad it really is, we might not be able to shoulder the burden for one moment longer.”

I do honestly feel lucky that I have never been raped. Yet, I’ve lost track of the number of times I’ve been catcalled or inappropriately touched and made to feel uncomfortable by a man trying to assert his sexual dominance over me. I’d like to share just one of these stories. I picked this one to share, because for so long I brushed it off as just an unfortunate incident one drunken night. Yet, my mind kept going back to it, and it took me 7 years to accept that it had been sexual assault.

This was a Friday or Saturday night my freshman year of college. One of my best friends and I had been party hopping and decided to stop at one more frat house on the way back to our dorms on North Campus. It was 2 or 3am so the crowd had thinned out and we were left playing beer pong with some of the fraternity brothers and just a few party stragglers. At one point, two fraternity brothers invited my friend and I upstairs to smoke, and we tipsily agreed and followed.

The first red flag was when one of the guys led me into a bedroom and closed the door. My friend and the other guy were nowhere to be seen. The guy grabbed me and started kissing me. When I broke away and asked him where my friend was, he told me not to worry, and that she was fine. I kept insisting that I had to find her, that I would be a bad friend if I abandoned her. I grabbed my phone, and as I tried to call her, he started to undress and pulled us onto his bed. When my friend didn’t answer her phone, I started to worry, but at that point the guy was blocking my exit from the room, so I didn’t try to leave either. He tried to kiss me again, but when I resisted he seemed to give up and we just laid there, silent except for the sound of his heavy breathing, as he masturbated. When he finished, I got up and left his room. The whole encounter might have lasted 5 minutes or an half an hour.

I headed back down the stairs and waited anxiously at the front door, where my friend joined me a few minutes later. She commented how scary it was that we had gotten separated and how those guys were creeps. I agreed. I asked her if she was ok, and told her that I hadn’t slept with the guy I was with despite his insistence, and she said that the guy she was with kept trying to perform a sexual act on her despite her objections. I think we were both a little shaken, but not traumatized. Neither of us ever went back to that frat house.

That was scary, I told myself. But nothing really bad happened. Maybe he just got the wrong message from me. I was drunk and wearing a short dress, I might have been flirting. I should’ve known better than to go upstairs. I shouldn’t have let my friend out of my sight for a single moment. When I said no, at least he didn’t force himself on me. He let me leave his room in the end.

That night came up in conversation a few times over the years, usually when we were sharing stories about all the “creeps” that we had known (a depressingly common conversation), but we never seriously discussed it again until my friend messaged me one day just a year or two ago to say that she had gotten an email from the guy she had been with that night, apologizing for his actions. It was completely out of the blue – in fact she had forgotten his name, and it took her a moment to remember who he was. “Weird,” she said, “I guess he felt bad.” “Weird,” I agreed, “That was sexual assault, wasn’t it?” “Yeah,” she said.

For years, whenever I thought about that night, I thought about all the things that I had done wrong. I dismissed what had happened as not-sexual-assault because it wasn’t rape. That because I was able to easily move on with my life it couldn’t have been that bad. I didn’t feel like a “victim.” But this kind of negative experience is not unique. Not for me, and certainly not for all women.

Like most women, I talk about the sexual harassment and assault I have experienced – but to other women. That’s why now I want to tell anyone who cares to listen to me, me too. Like most of your female friends, and possibly some of your male friends as well, I have experienced sexual harassment and assault. It’s not just angry feminists or damaged victims that complain. If you didn’t realize it before, it’s pervasive. Realize it now.

Realize that these experiences are the reasons why women avoid certain places or certain people. Why we feel nervous walking home alone at night. Why we carry rape whistles and go to the bathroom in groups. Why when we leave a party, we ask our friends to text us when they arrive home safe. We’re not crazy or paranoid or high maintenance. If nothing else, notice all the women in your life that have posted #metoo and realize that this is how things are.